


Trapped in My Own Mind

by sugarblossom



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Anime)
Genre: Attempted Suicide, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Papa Kukui
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2019-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:41:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21782974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarblossom/pseuds/sugarblossom
Summary: An escape. That's all Ash wanted. Because wouldn't it be best for them all?*TW: Attempted suicide!*
Relationships: Kukui-hakase | Professor Kukui & Satoshi | Ash Ketchum, Satoshi | Ash Ketchum & Satoshi's Pikachu | Ash Ketchum's Pikachu
Comments: 14
Kudos: 119





	Trapped in My Own Mind

**Author's Note:**

> ***Includes attempted suicide, so if you're uncomfortable with this, please feel free to stop reading***

Clenching his fists, Ash stared at himself through the mirror, wincing as a mist of midnight blue aura swirled around him. Sighing and ignoring the tears stacking against his eyes, Ash clasped his arms, aura spiking like thorns around him.

“I’m actually this human person,” he mumbled, lip trembling. “Why am I this person? Why am I like this-”

“Ash?” Kukui called out, and Ash froze, plastering a smile on his face like second nature and forcing his aura down.

“Yeah?”

Kukui peeked at Ash, gasping as the dark blue coloured aura spiraled around his hands. Shutting his eyes, Ash felt Kukui move towards him. “Whoa, is this the aura you told me about? It looks awesome!” Like summoning him, Pikachu poked his head into the room.

Ash ignored the bitter laugh trying to climb out of his throat and peeked his eyes open, staring down at his glowing hands, eyes wide. “Well, yes, technically!” he chirped, smile wavering as Pikachu ran next to him, ears twitching and eyes narrowing.

“Wow, I didn’t realize that aura has such a dark colour! ...Ok now, I already made you breakfast, do I have to tell you to get moving too? The sun doesn’t wait for anyone,” Kukui teased, not noticing Ash’s flinch as he walked away. 

Pikachu cooed as Ash gave a small whimper, squatting down and burying his head between his arms. The blueness of Ash’s unstable aura grew darker and darker as he shivered, only stopped when Pikachu snuggled into Ash’s arms and pressing his cheek against Ash’s. “...Yeah, it’ll be alright. Of course it will. Of course I’ll be happier soon.” Ash took a deep breath, patting Pikachu’s back as he lifted his head, eyes blank. “Thanks.”

Tail flicking, Pikachu pointed at the door, with Ash nodding excitedly. Nodding back, Pikachu ran after Kukui, and Ash’s glassy eyes scanned the room. “I know you feel obliged, but you really didn’t have to bother, Pikachu.”

“Do you want to climb the Wela Volcano or not, Ash?” Kukui yelled. Ash winced, before smiling genuinely.

An hour later, Kukui glanced over the edge of the volcano, the forest below them still dark. “You don’t see this every day, huh?” He chuckled to himself, watching Pikachu run around Ash’s feet. “Well, I suppose you could, but still.” Ash hummed in agreement, smile brighter than the oncoming sunrise as Kukui sat down.

“Have I ever told you how thankful I am for you?”

Kukui blinked, glancing up at Ash. “No… where is this coming from?” Ash’s aura curled around his hands, its shade much lighter than before, almost a baby blue colour.

“I’m at peace. I just want to thank you.”

“...You are way too welcome.” Pikachu hopped next to Kukui, ears drooping as Ash’s aura blossomed like a cut flower. “I’ll call for you when the sun shows itself, so until then, you’re free to roam.”

Ash dipped his head, hand brushing against his cap one last time as he left it next to Kukui. “Thank you.” Kukui and Pikachu glanced at each other, before watching Ash continue to climb up the volcano path, a pinkish glow overtaking his blue aura. 

Silently padding after Ash, Pikachu gestured Kukui to follow him with narrowed eyes. Furrowing his eyebrows, Kukui grabbed Ash’s cap and walked after Pikachu. Step by step, they climbed higher and higher. They all climbed to the top of the volcano, with Kukui freezing in place as Ash stared down at the bubbling magma with a relaxed smile. Pikachu cried out as Ash took a step forward with a grin on his face, both of them watching Ash fall out of sight.

Pikachu snapped out of his stupor first, running forward and nearly skidding off the edge as well as he sent an electroweb down after Ash. Snapping his eyes open as the electroweb surrounded him, Ash winced as he got shocked, vision blurry as Pikachu used his teeth to hold onto the net.

“It’s not worth it, Pikachu!” Ash calmly said, eyes flashing a dark blue as Pikachu growled back, struggling to stay steady, paws scrambling to not slip over the edge as Ash’s tears made his own shocks worse. Before Pikachu could give into gravity, Kukui grabbed ahold of the web. 

Even when the electricity crackled around his fingers and shot through his body, Kukui pulled. Even when every nerve forced him to let go, he didn’t. Even when his entire mind and body was begging him to stop, he didn’t.

The electroweb only fizzed out when Ash was blankly staring up at Kukui. There was a moment of silence, only filled with Kukui’s heavy breathing and Pikachu’s worried coos.

“Why?” Ash murmured, glancing down at his cap, which was tossed aside. He slid out a white note from under the rim, crumbling it up. “Why?!” He stood up, eyes glowing a bloody red colour as he hurled the note into the volcano. “I didn’t ask to be born, and I can’t even get out?! Why?! Just tell me that much!”

“...Why are you angry-”

“Why am I ANGRY?” Ash’s laugh was bitter. “You wouldn’t understand. You don’t realize what I’ve been through!” Pikachu gave a soft squeak, shaking his head.

“So help me understand!” Kukui said, flinching as Ash’s dark red aura flared up like fire. “Please.”

Before Ash could yell back, Pikachu cut in with a firm “Pikapi!” Ash froze, blood boiling.

“... You saved me, didn’t you?” Kukui winced as his muscles jolted with electricity, and Ash’s aura switched to a dark blue, nearly black in colour. “Those will leave scars. I know from personal experience.” Guiltily shifting, Pikachu curled around Ash’s feet, preventing him from moving.

“Ash, please.” Walking closer to Ash, Kukui stared into Ash’s eyes. “Suicide is never the solution. Never.”

“Yeah yeah, it’s a permanent solution to temporary pain, I get it.” Ash grinned like it was a regular morning. “All pain is temporary. Things will get better, that’s what I always say! Just don’t give up on hope!”

“So why-”

“I got tired.” Kukui cringed at Ash’s grin. The same one he had on as he stepped to greet death like an old friend. “I genuinely believe you’re all better off without me.” Ash’s dark blue eyes sparkled like the night sky. “Just imagine it. You wouldn’t have to take care of someone like me. Pikachu would have a trainer who actually-”

“Pikapi!”

Ash chuckled, a joyous sound that didn’t match his aura. “Don’t you think it’s better for all of us to take a break?” Pikachu shook his head, clinging to Ash’s leg instead like a Komala. “Not in the way I’m thinking, huh? Well, it’s not like this is the first time I jumped into a volcano.” He longingly glanced back at the magma. “So warm...” Ash gave a small yelp as Pikachu dug his paws deeper, clearly not letting go anytime soon.

“What?!” Kukui gripped Ash’s arm. “You… don’t know how much I care for you.” It wasn’t a question. “...Ash, you don’t understand how devastated I would be if you died.” At Ash’s tilted head, Kukui sputtered, “I’m sorry, Ash-”

“Why? You’ve done everything right.”

“I didn’t show you how much I care, Ash! How could you- That doesn’t help, huh?” Kukui stared into Ash’s stormy eyes. “I won’t be better off without you.” Ash only shrugged Kukui’s hand off, heading back down the trail. “Ash-”

“Well, it’s not like Arceus will let me die anyway.” Ash shrugged, scooping up his cap and putting it on. “I’m always the hero. The protagonist. The chosen one. But it’s not like he actually cares about my well-being though. He just wants me to save the world.” As Kukui confusedly stared at Ash, Ash giggled, skipping down the path with Pikachu still clinging to his leg. “Can’t even get a vacation from the world ending.” Pikachu gave a sharp chirp, running up to Ash’s shoulder and nuzzling his cheek.

“What- Ash, what?” Kukui walked next to Ash, who excitedly nodded. “Ash, I… can I help?” Ash’s dark blue eyes flickered a light red colour. 

“I don’t wish this on anyone.” He stopped walking, glancing back at the volcano with a defeated smile. “Immortality is not as cool as everyone thinks it is.” Ash rolled his eyes. “Every time I throw myself into danger, I get out alive. Every time I try to escape, I always get put back.”

“...Have you told anyone about this?” Kukui whispered, hand hovering over Ash’s shoulder.

“Oh of course not! You probably think I’m crazy too!” Ash twirled around on the trail, wincing as Pikachu curled his tail around his neck. “Though to be honest, I might just be faking it. Everyone has their own problems to deal with, after all.”

“...You’re allowed to feel bad, you know.” Patting at Ash’s hair, Pikachu nodded in agreement. Ash’s hand drifted to where his bag would’ve been if he brought it.

“Oh, pft, I am!” The dark blue aura around Ash’s hands glowed as he dropped them to his sides. “So you didn’t notice my aura being anything unusual… Well, I guess it isn’t unusual.”

Pikachu softly chirped, reassuring Ash as Kukui said, “I’m so sorry, Ash, you don’t deserve all this.”

“Oh, I don’t.”

“Ash, don’t try to twist my words. You deserve all the love in the world because you don’t deserve the burden... god puts on you. You’re allowed to show emotions. It’s what makes you human!”

Ash took one glance at Kukui, before walking away. “Oh, I’m just too sensitive for a boy-” Pikachu and Kukui both shot Ash’s statement down.

“You are allowed to show emotions! It doesn’t matter who you are! Ok, ok, if you struggle with this, what can I do to help?” There was a moment of silence.

“I’m stuck with my thoughts until Arceus lets me die. You can’t fix me,” Ash admitted.

“That doesn’t make you any less worthy of support!” Pikachu also chirped in agreement. “All I want for you is to stay true to who you are!”

Ash’s eyes turned from dark blue to a pinkish scarlet colour as he stared between Kukui and Pikachu, before he sighed, eyes turning back to their usual amber colour. “I don’t know who I am anymore.” After a pause, Ash grinned. “Well, it’s not like you can see trauma, so it doesn’t matter-”

“Ash, I don’t care what society says, you are not walking this off. Mental scars matter just as much as physical ones.” Kukui watched the rim of Ash’s amber eyes flickering a yellowish-gold colour and continued, “You’re dealing with a lot, huh?” The golden colour was reflected by Ash’s unshed tears and Pikachu’s fur. “It’s ok. You’ve stood strong for long enough.” Ash froze and stared up at Kukui, eyes flittering back and forth as he placed a hand on Ash’s cap. “I’m here for you. I may not understand what you’re going through, but I want to help. I see that you’re struggling, and I’m so proud of you for staying so upbeat for the rest of us, but do understand that your wellbeing matters to me.” Cooing, Pikachu butted his head against Ash’s cheek again and gestured at Kukui.

Ash slightly shook his head. “I’m too much for you-”

“I can’t get enough of you. You’re an amazing person. I don’t just care about you because of what you’ve done for us, though I am grateful for it, I care about you, because you deserve it. You’ve always deserved it.” Like the rising sun behind him, Ash’s eyes glowed a golden colour that warmed Kukui’s heart. “Don’t worry about falling apart. You’ll never be broken.” Ash’s teary eyes contrasted the yellow glow around him. Contrasting the sunlight as it spread over the land. “Look, this is not over… but do you want to go home and get some chocolate-”

“Can I tell you about Lucario then?”

**Author's Note:**

> How’s everyone? In case no one’s told you yet, you deserve a great life. You deserve to feel happy with yourself. You deserve to live. <3  
Yeah, I know this one’s similar to my last one, so I promise the next one’s… a little different.  
Random trivia: There’s a flower called “Chocolate cosmos.” (･∀･)  
Inspired by Alec Benjamin - Mind Is A Prison


End file.
